Thursday, 1-12-12Bismillah. Twenty minutes left until this day is over and I can’t think of my very best moment of the day - it’s just been one of those days … Hmm, a few nights ago I watched the movie “Brick Lane” (adapted from the novel written by Monica Ali) for the fifth time (or something) and this time I found myself focusing on the main character as a young child. There’s a scene in the beginning where the character is playing with her sister in the rice paddy fields in West Bengal and they’re splashing water on each other. The character looks up, startled, intuitively feeling that something has happened (her mother is in the process of committing suicide - oh, yeah, don’t ever let me talk about movies around you because I will spoil it for you), but then she’s distracted by her sister and continues playing … well, that’s not the scene I captured in this image above - I captured a happier one, but the scene reminded me of a moment from childhood that made transparent my own character.My father videotaped most of our childhood, and I’ve spent a lot of time in my adulthood watching these home videos, almost like research. I remember a few years back watching a video from when I was 5 or 6 years old and my sister and I are playing with the garden hose in the backyard, totally squealing as girls do, and soaking each other — except, it’s really my older sister hosing me down and I’m trying to protect my face and my wet curls are getting plastered against my face. There’s a moment then - and I know this because my father once paused the movie and took a picture of the TV screen - where I have the most helpless look on my face and I’m just trying to catch my breath. It probably doesn’t occur to me that I could take control of the hose and turn it back on my sister. I just remain helpless while my sister laughs and my father continues videotaping and I am probably enjoying it, but also a little confused by it.Today I had an unpleasant phone conversation with a person that doesn’t know me very well, and I felt exactly like how I felt in the garden hose scene from my childhood. My quiet demeanor sometimes makes people feel like they can say whatever they want, or do whatever they want to me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion or an inner dialogue going on. I don’t always think of the right thing to say to stand up for myself at the time that I need to say it, but what I’m grateful for, and thus the very best moment of my day - accepting who I am, weak or strong, but desiring to be better. I’m grateful that I was able to say a few words of defense before removing myself from the situation instead of turning on this person and saying even harsher and unpleasant words back to them. It’s just not my character … and this is okay.

Thursday, 1-12-12

Bismillah. Twenty minutes left until this day is over and I can’t think of my very best moment of the day - it’s just been one of those days …

Hmm, a few nights ago I watched the movie “Brick Lane” (adapted from the novel written by Monica Ali) for the fifth time (or something) and this time I found myself focusing on the main character as a young child. There’s a scene in the beginning where the character is playing with her sister in the rice paddy fields in West Bengal and they’re splashing water on each other. The character looks up, startled, intuitively feeling that something has happened (her mother is in the process of committing suicide - oh, yeah, don’t ever let me talk about movies around you because I will spoil it for you), but then she’s distracted by her sister and continues playing … well, that’s not the scene I captured in this image above - I captured a happier one, but the scene reminded me of a moment from childhood that made transparent my own character.

My father videotaped most of our childhood, and I’ve spent a lot of time in my adulthood watching these home videos, almost like research. I remember a few years back watching a video from when I was 5 or 6 years old and my sister and I are playing with the garden hose in the backyard, totally squealing as girls do, and soaking each other — except, it’s really my older sister hosing me down and I’m trying to protect my face and my wet curls are getting plastered against my face. There’s a moment then - and I know this because my father once paused the movie and took a picture of the TV screen - where I have the most helpless look on my face and I’m just trying to catch my breath. It probably doesn’t occur to me that I could take control of the hose and turn it back on my sister. I just remain helpless while my sister laughs and my father continues videotaping and I am probably enjoying it, but also a little confused by it.

Today I had an unpleasant phone conversation with a person that doesn’t know me very well, and I felt exactly like how I felt in the garden hose scene from my childhood. My quiet demeanor sometimes makes people feel like they can say whatever they want, or do whatever they want to me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion or an inner dialogue going on. I don’t always think of the right thing to say to stand up for myself at the time that I need to say it, but what I’m grateful for, and thus the very best moment of my day - accepting who I am, weak or strong, but desiring to be better. I’m grateful that I was able to say a few words of defense before removing myself from the situation instead of turning on this person and saying even harsher and unpleasant words back to them. It’s just not my character … and this is okay.